Kicking Butt, with Dignity

After a year of living on my own in New York City, I returned to what would be the turning point of my leaving academia: taekwondo. I was about 13 when I last trained. The worst thing that happened to me was falling in line in the back of some kid who looked about eight years old, who was pretending to be the Pink Power Ranger. He turned to me, shouted “Yaahhh!” -- and kicked me in the crotch, forcing me to my knees in unspeakable (!) pain. I imagine it would have been worse had I been a boy.

Fifteen months in taekwondo school and I now have something in common with Sarah Michelle Gellar: we both have brown belts. For me, it wasn’t so much the satisfaction of earning something I literally got my butt kicked for, nor the therapeutic shot of endorphins after yet another day of joyless drudgery at the lab – it was the fact that I finally proved to myself that despite my apparent ADD, I am no dilettante. I can stick to something for a long time without getting bored! I am not afraid of commitment! It’s not me, it’s science! Yay!

When I was in science, I was so depressed in ways I did not think possible that I thought an hour of kicking bags (or men) four times a week would be good for me. I never realized that this would impact my lifestyle more than I expected. Three of my teachers – Lee (a fourth-degree blackbelt), Fabiano (New York State champion 2007) and Calvin (has two black belts) -- influenced me a lot, which just goes to show you that I have to get beaten up before doing things like exercising and eating healthy. When the outside feels very toxic, you will want to cleanse yourself from the inside. It opened up a lot of my interests, too – who knew that I would love training with weapons and such?

Taekwondo is very useful, especially when doing non-profit work, where I sometimes have to travel late in the evening (or generally living in a big city). The knowledge that I am trained to crack someone’s skull makes me stand up straighter and go out into the world with confidence, sprawling in the back of buses when I want to get a good night’s sleep. I am hoping that good posture and self-assurance will somehow convey to a potential mugger: “Attack me, and I will kill you.”

I think martial arts in general make people good-natured and less competitive with other people. All those stereotypes I’ve seen in kung fu movies about being “one with the universe” – Good God, they’re all true, even in a school that’s smack in the middle of Manhattan’s snooty upper crust residences. When I train, it’s just me and the dojang (training space). The rest of the world is shut out, and all life’s issues are whittled down into kicks and punches – it’s just you. As a writer, I think it’s an excellent metaphor.

During my internship with WYA, I had to teach taekwondo to kids for the CityAdventure scavenger hunt, a cultural event which brings teams all over Manhattan to discover the city. Not only did I have to do it for the first time, but I had to do it four times in a row. Needless to say, everyone thought I would screw this up. But a class that had all the potential to go wrong ended up being so much fun, for me and my, ahem, disciples. I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret, that this little four-hour exercise did more good than doing experiments for hours.

This e-mail to my masters might encapsulate this better:

From: Catherine
To: Lee, Fabiano

Leeee! Fabianooooo! Ohmigod, you guys! I taught my first four taekwondo classes in a row yesterday. It was so much fun! It was for a scavenger hunt for the World Youth Alliance, and I was teaching a lot of high school kids. Some of them were a bit hyperactive, but they loved the class and were so behaved. During our team huddle, one of my students poked out my eye and took out my contact lens. We couldn't find it anymore, and I went home half-blind. Eek! I loved them and they loved it and I lost my voice and I totally understand why you guys do this!

Cate/Emily

Months ago, when I realized that my black belt meant more to me than my Ph.D., I knew I had a problem.

I think the most important thing I learned was that martial arts made me aware of one’s innate dignity. In one of my hysterical e-mails to Lee after leaving the academe, I remember writing that when I was in the lab in such a horrible work environment, the one thing that kept running through my head was, “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this to me when I can kick your ass.” I now know that when this thought runs through my head, it’s time to go, man.