The Sunshine Post #9

Hello dears!

I think I've finally realized why I was in a funk, and no, it's not PMS.

Geez, get a load of this post-quarter life crisis, yo. After the cycle of Depression, Desperation, Hope, Revelation, Excitement, and Giddiness, now comes the phase of Impatience, Restlessness, Hostility and Dissatisfaction. (I can illustrate this in a graph for those who are interested; the y-coordinate will represent my blood pressure.) When you finally know exactly what you want to do with your life, you become increasingly aggravated when things don't move fast enough. Patience is one of my two weak points (the other is subtlety).

I think now is also the time for me to start letting go of some things so as to concentrate on what I keep telling myself is The New Plan, which, may I add, so kicks the ass of the old plan. Woohoo! But I've become more realistic and pragmatic over the years. I've always believed in "following through" with my so-called "passions" and I've finally told myself that I should probably let go of wild dreams like playing the piano in public or competing professionally in archery, etc. – things where I showed some potential, but let's face it: I am no prodigy.

I've been thinking a lot of how I've always walked the line between journalism and science; those were the things I gravitated towards early in life. But I'm now vacillating between thinking whether I love those fields in their entirety, or because they seemed to satisfy a need for me to be productive. I've always steered clear of areas that concentrate on intangible philosophical ideas and arguments; I like things where I can produce something – anything -- at the end of the day and call it my own. The work is irrefutable because I printed it out.

I can't help but go back to this one time in New York City – the day when I played freeze tag with complete strangers. One of them asked what I was doing and after the usual stiff introductions, she goes "Director of Communications? You, like, what? Make sure the phones work?" There was an uncomfortable three-second silence.

Actually, Phil does that, I told myself silently. I suck at machines. The only association I have with anything electric is the fact that I am, ahem, the Voice of the World Youth Alliance International Headquarters' Phone Lines (i.e. If you get our voice mail, you get me! How do you do?). Unless they've already changed it.

(I think this was the first time I had to tell a stranger what I do. I have learned from this since then and now I just say, "Oh I work for non-profit. Bye!" I hate long-winded explanations.)

That got me thinking, too. I don't want to be known for positions I've held, or schools I've studied at, or fancy places I've worked in, or awards I've received. I just want to produce work that will speak for itself, and to have a lot of friends and loved ones while doing that. It's amazing how your desires are suddenly simplified when you're older.

Ah, output. The thing that has driven me since I was young; coming from an Asian upbringing, I thought that this showed a utilitarian mindset, but now I'm at peace with it. I don't care about titles, positions, corporate/academic ladders, degrees and opinions – I just want to spend my life perfecting my craft and hoping that this would do some level of good in the larger scheme of things. I'm uncertain whether to be alarmed at the fact that this may suggest a certain absence of conviction, or to be relieved because at least I know I will be happy doing something that I love.

I just hope it's not too late. I think it was during college when I started to become allergic to people who would rest on their laurels because they were, by society's standards, pretty young to be doing what they were doing. I was writing feature articles about kids who did well early in life, but looking back, I think part of the reason they couldn't recapitulate that "glory" as they grew older was because they were complacently luxuriating in their youth, thinking they were too cute and already successful, and therefore, they could stop exploring.

But in graduate school, I became exasperated at those who made excuses because they thought themselves too old; they refused to go outside the box because they thought they lost their chance. Sheesh. Why this dumb obsession with age? It just makes you limit yourself and come up with meaningless excuses for setting limits on what you can do.

Regardless of what I will do with my life, I think I'm pretty sure that I won't go for a Ph.D. ever again. I think it dissolves your sense of wonder because you keep hammering your subject down to the point that it may not even matter to you anymore. I'm not proud enough to want to be an "established authority" at anything, then feel like the walls are closing in when someone else's theory goes against mine. I would rather live in joy, and be able to live anywhere I please.

I guess it's a manifestation of a previous lack of self-awareness that I can admit this to myself now, and in hindsight, I should have seen this coming. My favorite book growing up was Alice in Wonderland. It still is.

But maybe things just happen in some odd precision in due time. I've had my moments of "Uh oh, time is running out" when I see my peers already doing their internships in medical and law school or getting married, especially when I am still on a journey career-wise, and single at that. (My mom is on my butt about this now, telling me that I'm "wasting my genes" if I end up a spinster. Ah, the quirks of having a mother who made a living discussing Mendelian segregation.)

Whew, that was a load off. But on a happier note, I have finally found my design heroes! Yay! I am getting poorer by the day, buying all of these designer monographs. They are pricey, man. I vowed to myself, as I was paying at the counter, that I will publish my own one day. And it will be as expensive as these.

My favorite designer so far has pushed the limits of art, at least in my opinion. I'm so happy to have found one of his last commercially available, slightly battered, and outrageously expensive monographs – in Manila of all places. (I called his studio when I was in NYC and even they ran out of copies). I begged, pleaded, and gave excellent arguments to the manager, but sadly, only got the price down by 5%. I'm losing my touch, yo. But still, it was so worth it -- every single page made me smile and now I have ideas once again. Maria Miriam Giovane Grizzetti, the rut is so over!! One day, I will be better than this guy.

Well, a girl can dream. At least we have some things in common. We both left something scientific, we're very playful, we have no sense of hierarchy and bureaucracy whatsoever, and (people think) we have no qualms about nudity.

Co-ed naked nonsexual yoga, anyone? :-)


Lots of love,
Cathy