The Chronicles of Paranoia, New York Edition

Chapter 2: Hugs from Manila!

Hello dears,

So it seems I'll be in Manila longer than I thought. I hate to admit it, but as much as I love to be home, it's hard to be back after so long. When you come back a different person in the same environment you left, it's very unsettling. Time stopped for me in New York; I didn't care about anything and anyone except exploring new things.

It's hard to feel like an outsider in your own motherland.

As far as reconnecting with my country, though, it's not so bad. I've had three massages since I got here. At $7, it's pretty expensive – apparently it could go as low as 5. I've been duped, yo. But my masseuse comes to my house so she can work on me while I'm working on brochures, so it's fine by me. I've discovered coconut yogurt, and have been drinking mango shakes wherever I go. I've also made plans to go to the beach. I have to; I'm whiter than Mary and Phil, you guys. How on earth can I be paler than a blonde Canadian who loves the snow, and a Brit? I'm from the tropics, for the love of God.

Barely a week in the Philippines and I already sprained my foot in a taekwondo class. The next few weeks for me include graphic design classes, taekwondo, arnis, and potentially hip hop. Keeping busy is the one thing that makes the sensation of newness less apparent to me. Just like the initial retreat from academia, I am hell-bent on establishing a semblance of normalcy wherever I go. At least Bikram yoga is the same all over the world.

I have had a lot of social faux pas since I got back; think hugging complete strangers, among other things. I partially blame it on being in the lab (no people, only mice), and partly on being in NYC (I can go for days without talking to human beings). I think I should keep to myself for a while and save myself from further embarrassment.

(No more crying outburts, though. Apparently my weepy breakdowns when I left were due to a horrible case of PMS. Oops. Sorry guys. False alarm.)

Food-wise, I'm surviving here. Filipino cuisine can be a vegetarian's nightmare. My mother has given up trying to feed me, and just like in New York, I am a handicap to group lunches. Since my vow not to eat anything that walks, swims, flies and crawls, I've only nearly caved twice – once with schnitzel, and another time with sisig. It is a constant ordeal here, without Caramel Nut Brownie Luna bars to keep me happy. I suspect some of my friends are taking bets on how soon I'll go down.

I've been relatively less bouncy here because I am in a place where everything affects me. I can't shut out politics as I did back in New York. When I left Manila, they were trying to impeach our president; I'm back and they're still trying to do the same thing. In an odd way, I feel a bit sorry for her – it must be sad to be hated by so many people, knowing that you can't do anything else with your life because of how famous you are. It must be what those Enron people feel.

I think the main thing that's bothering me now is the fact that I am finally facing the consequences of my actions. It's agonizing to go through the same spiel of "I don't want to be in the academe anymore" every time I have coffee with someone I haven't seen for so long. It's humiliating, too; science was all I ever wanted not so long ago, and to come back with a completely different perspective makes me feel so irresponsible.

Not everything has been great. Some of my friends are quite disappointed with my sudden career change. That sucks. But you can't have it all. I think the most important thing I earned last year was, after all this time, a backbone. I'm from Asia; if you did well in school, you had to be a doctor or a lawyer. I often felt that it was a crime against the people who really wanted to heal people or to uphold justice. Plus, any idiot can do well in school, follow the rules, get the grades, be at the top of the class. It just takes a little effort. The best thing I've realized is that you should bring something of yourself the way no one else can. I think my biggest nightmare now isn't to fail, but to be following what everyone else does all the time, competing against them because I had nothing original to give. Mediocrity terrifies me.

But just like what I endured last year, I'm taking everything one day at a time. I had dinner with one of my mentors last night, and instead of a lecture, she said that she's totally supportive of what I do now. It also turns out that she's good friends with one of our board members; they go to the same salon. Her words to me: "You're glowing and you're thinner. I approve." Hahaha. Manila is a big city with a small town feel – we run in very tiny circles, which, I guess, makes it quite similar to New York City.

So I'm trapped in paradise, but at least I'm not schlepping in it. Tomorrow, I'm off to – of all things – a slumber party. I hope no one expects cupcakes, because they're not getting any!


Lots of love,
Cathy