Home Alone

December 19, 2007

It is 10 pm and I am in the WYA house alone. Phil, our International Director of Operations, was the last to go and here I am, having to face the consequences of my actions after the last taekwondo class before the holidays. This is my second, and hopefully last, Christmas alone.

When you leave me alone in a big house, I will clean it. I will also write in it, do art projects in it, practice my taekwondo poomsae -- all while listening to the Spice Girls. And since I am finally alone, it gives me plenty of time to Think About What I Have Gotten Myself Into.

So in a nutshell:

I came to WYA late last August, in despair and looking for a job. Being out of a Ph.D. program leaves one quite discombobulated and demoralized, as I experienced. What the heck should I do now? Studying to be a neuroscientist ended in a spectacular disaster. The WYA Headquarters was a block away from where I (used to) live, and as the result of a series of cinematic events instigated by WYA President Mary Halpine, here I am, their new Director of Communications, unofficial bodyguard and resident cupcake baker.



What exactly did the Alliance get when they hired me? The shelves beside my desk, which I have colonized with the permission of the staff, will probably give anyone a vague idea. The top shelf has all my molecular biology textbooks from university, and going down, I have my art portfolios and supplies. Further down I have stored the books that would not fit in my room: my vegan and vegetarian cookbooks, back issues of Poetry magazines, and my books on reading Egyptian hieroglyphics. A little box decorated with art from Exupery’s The Little Prince contains my juggling balls and a yo-yo. My weapons, which I had to declare before I signed my WYA contracts, sit innocuously in my bedroom with taekwondo DVDs.

They all think I'm psychotic here. Whee! I don't have to pretend! I see the coming year as one of the most independent and creative phases of my life, a chance to “let it all out” before I do graduate school again. Despite my disillusionments in the past year, I still love science. I believe that science is for everyone, not just for people who need tenure (man, especially those!), or for companies that produce drugs and reagents, or for people competing on who gets their paper out first. I want little kids to appreciate the beauty of DNA replication as much as video games, and the most jaded of people to find awe in things like string theory. Maybe I’ll end up doing science writing, or journalism, or be back on the bench if the trauma subsides, but at this point, I have to take advantage of my youth while it’s still there.

I will probably carry a certain level of guilt for a while, but I still have faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Right now, I feel shaken, guilty, light, free, focused, and terrified all at the same time.

But I am finally happy now!